Monday, February 28, 2011

the beginning of the end...

I just felt restless..lifeless.I am breathing but I cant feel any.I cant even recall how many times I felt like this.
& it made me thought of "what if" ....What if today is the beginning of the end?what if there will be no more tomorrow for felicity?will she still be able to find her happiness? At first I might take a glimpse thinking it was not fair to just have my life ended so fast, never got the chance to meet my real prince charming whose been looking for me out there, no more chances for me to walk down the aisle saying "i do" with the one I always dream of, conceiving a gift from heaven for 9mos & having a fulfilling feeling that I could ever felt in my my whole life. Watching them grow,hug them,kiss them,love them unconditionally.There will be no more dreams & happy thoughts if my life has to end tonight!

If today is the beginning of the end.I guess I'm ready now, especially today.Single and alone.My father has his wife my brother already has a work & special someone to be with.They've grown up.They are old matured independent enough to handle for themselves.I guess I have finished the mission that my mom has left me when I was still sweet 16.I guess I've experienced enough in this world of beauty & life.I was able to finished my for almost 9years?gain lots of friends & different kind of people.Experienced different kind of love, been into different kind of relationships, experienced & learned a lot from eat. I used to smile,laugh, frown,sigh,cried and cried alot because of love.lose my pride,ego,dignity just to find love but able to have it back too.28 years?don't you think its enough?dont you think its about time or It's just the perfect time for me to leave this world?Im just on my own  now.Ive sacrifice a lot though maybe not as same as the others but Its enough.And I think I am ready now to Die and to live again in the arms of our Almighty with my mom welcoming me to heaven with an open arms making me feel how much she misses me & how much I miss her too.I just can't wait for the day for the moment that I will be able to say"Nay I misses you so much and no words can explain how glad I am to finally meet you again & never ever to lose you this time." I have loved them for 28years.I know i was able to let him know, to let them know how much I loved them, i already made them feel & say the words "I love you" that I have never did to you when you were still here, so I really guess that its about time to express it with you now.

Lord God Please talk to me now.I felt sad and helpless.I just don't know now where to go & what to do.I know that everything that i wanted here on earth are all just a fantasy that I created in my was just a seaonal happiness but not for long.But if y purpose has already been served I strongly believed that the happiness that I will going to find in You is eternity, everlasting and never ending happiness.Lord I Love You.I know how much You love me too.Please Blessed me with happiness that you think I deserved.Please dont ever leave me especially at my weakest saddest moment. Take good care of my loved ones..they are my real treasure & goft from you.

And if this will be the beginning of the end.I want all of youto be very happy for me for I will be very happy too.Never wear dark colors only white & yellow but I'd love to if it would be white & pink.If that day comes please be happy for me for I so long waited for me to find peace beside HIM.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

19.02.2011 Today My Life Begins

I never felt this good just at this very moment, the last two days of just staying at home and doing nothing but to stay at the very four corner of my rooms,I felt so bored.It feels like I am so unproductive, feeling empty and plain.Have you ever got that kind of feeling?As if you wanna shout,scream the words "I hate Life!Im so Bored...waaaah", and then pause for a while and take a deep breath as if everythings all right now,well yes it is.Maybe I just really need to feel the boredom & release the tension so I can realized things after.And today, My Life begins?!again?!and yes again and again.Today I came to another realization in life and this time I want to take a new leap..stepping forward one step at a time.First should stop using the word "I" by replacing it with the word "you" as if i am your conscience talking to you.So lets begin.

Feb.19,2011 Today Felicity's life begins.

Step.1 Know Your Goal.
  • To Start your life with, Pray.Then know your goal.You need to know your goal for you to know which road your going to take.Your goal will be your focal point.So,whatever road you'll be taking you should not forgt that at the end of the day your focal point will be your final destination.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Missing "Will.I.Am"

Its already 12 midnight & I should be sleeping by now but It wont make my day expressing how I feel.
I wish he knows how much I miss william.Day never pass me by without thinking of him,how he is,how good he was,is he safe,is he happy?I wish he is.I want him to be happy each day of his life,If you only could see him.He looks so good  when he smile,his smile will surely melt your heart away.His smile best describe as a smile I have when i was a little girl,innocent,sweet,full of hopes(though he's not an innocent one,I should know)but his smile really brings hope.its a feeling that at the end of your stressful day at work or anywhere,just look at him, stare at him then he'll get conscious, then he will surely smile and make your day GREAT!& I should barely know & no way i would not remember, I know it was just once, ones that i ever saw him smiling back at me for real. Now,i just have to close my eyes then it all comes back to me, those were the memories I wanna kept within me forever.I just wish he could feel the same.but obviously he wont.I'm not his type of girl, his ideal dream girl.So I also wish he wouldn't know how I miss him, how i love him so he wont awful  for me.Im still looking forward in seeing him back again after a year I wish when that time comes Im good enough in accepting things that I couldn't have which is him. But on the other I was also praying that by that time he already found her girl, he is already happy.It might be painful to accept then but I will surely be very happy seeing him happy.Some may not believe or he might not believe either but really, his happiness is my happiness too.he deserves it!he is so gorgeous.I love Will.I.Am & I wont get tired of you. I always wanna say..
"Will, I Am the one..cant you see it?" but obviously he wont.his mind is set & it will never be me.
............Definitely, Maybe, NOT

Friday, February 11, 2011

Ages of Life...


Life is all about sacrifices I sacrifice for the one you love, for someone closest and near to your heart.You'll do everything whatever it takes just to please them to make them happy.I want to make them feel that they are appreciated, and I hope they do.I need them, I want them...they are my source of strenghts.

Whatever I's all made out of Love!Love with lots of meanings to portray.Love made of Hope, Trust, Patience, Perserverance, Honesty, Anger, Hatred, Jealous, Envy,Obsession,Lust....So confusing!As seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to week, weeks to months, months to years. Time flies so quick, quickly as the dust in the wind.It flew from different direction and you'll never know where it will lead you next.I've been into a place that's so beautiful as I am where I feel safe,secure,happy,at peace...It is where I used to build my dreams, where I am the princess of my own world but one way or the other been into place where everything feels empty, its so dark everywhere,I feel scared and sad with no one to turn to,no one to hug me,no one to listen-Alone.Haunted by the old memories that I wish I never had.Losing you losing almost everything in my life, my dreams for you and me,for our family,for us!Evrything was lost,all has been changed since you left.

But here it comes REALITY!knocking my head and heart whispering "Hey wake up poor little girl everything is made to happen.No more dreaming, no longer living in a small but Big world for a one year old girl 27years back.You have come to ages.An ages of life of what you have become.". Yes indeed!My life has come to ages now,no turning back.I have sacrificed alot and still is willing to sacrifice everything for Love.For the people around me who always believe in the beauty inside my heart.I will keep fighting ang struggling for Life that was only borrowed from HIM.HE has been my guide all through these years.All heartaches and pains are just part of my lifes journey that have made me become a better person.

And now,each day of my life I feel happy and proud, thankful and blessed.Im taking back my Pride!My life that was once lost will now be renewed where Respect will always take place.No more pains, agony and sorrow.If ever there will be, everything should be just Fine! I'll just just keep on sailing wherever the wind blows just like the sand in the wind.I have God and everyone to guide me through.

No more dreaming but another Reality with a promise of New Beginning.Just like my favorite view.Somewhere out there where the darkness Lies - The beauty of Sky where Stars will never stop on shining everynight.and I know one day in my life I'll gonna find my star who will shine for me forever.


Felicity's Glimpse of Thoughts...

Its been so long seems so long since the last time I ever tried to create a blog like this.There was a  blogged name Iyesha which I once lost and now trying to create again a new life through the name of Felicity.It took me 28 years to finally found her.I never thought of being inclined with the name "Felicity" it was just a vague indication how lovely it define which means "happiness". (Feb.11,2011~unfinished thoughts)

(Feb.12,2011)~ its been 6days since I deactivated my facebook account and Im missing him?!Is it missing my fb or missing the guy I used to view everytime Im opening my account?I guess both.I miss my friends,seeing whats up to date with their life.Liking their photos,current status and the like, though i can still view them with other accounts stil its not the same.But the mere reason of doing so is to find peace.To find my own solace.And now that I was able to closed another books from the past, I guess its about time for me to open another chapter of my Life and I should know better this time.I guess Im a little smarter this time,lots of lesson learned from those experiences,whether good or bad  I should still stay focus with my goal- my goal in finding my FELICITY.

I've been into different kind of relationships in my life,but non of it ever succeed, I always failed and you know why?.Its because all this years of my experienced I never listen to Him,maybe I did but I never follow.I have always been stubborn.I do whatever I want, whatever I think will make me happy without even thinking if that is what He really wants for me, If that is what He knows best for me and to sum it up? stubborn+impulsive+impatient = failure,pains and lots of heart aches.If I am going to think about feels like 28years of my life are wasted?!But I never regret it, no more sourgraping for me coz I might failed but are lots of lessons learned.Every sad/bitter memories of it are all in the past now, its all over and can never haunt you in your present not unless you allow it yourself.And as for me?I wont allow my past to haunt me.I can never do anything from what happen in the past but hey, Im still alive, which means I still have the chance to start all over and make a Big change in my Life!a Good change, a change that will make make me a much better person.This time I want Him to come first before me so I wont fear anymore of walking, driving and sailing on the wrong path cause when Im with him I believe that Felicity will soon find me.We're going to find each other and when it happen, I will sure let you know.

For now, I have to make a pause for a while, take a deep breathe, close my eyes, feel Him from within, talk to Him ask for His grace,guidance and blessings to my family and friends and still thinking of this guy and praying for him that whatever his heart desire is if its whats best for him, may it be granted, but still hoping one day in Gods time this guy will ever feel me.I really missed him a lot.His smile i can never forget.A man with a good heart,he might be having fun for now & enjoying his bachelor life yet I never see him the way he introduce himself to me.He has his reason why he choose to be stubborn.He was just once like me but I have hopes that one day he will come back to Him  and when he did I hope he can still find me just behind Him waiting for him.I love you so much.Goodnight.